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5th Down and 9 to Go
10/07/09
1) Fantasy football - Okay sports geeks. Here is a little talked about, but widely accepted fact. Remember two words, "nobody cares". When you think that we (and by "we" I mean the 99% of adults who don't waste their time on this) care your defense scored you some major points in fantasy football this past weekend, nobody cares. When you think we want to hear a pick-by-pick recount of the draft you had last August at Appleby's while drinking Miller Lite, nobody cares. When you give us your rationale for starting Carson Palmer over Brett Favre, nobody cares. In reality, fantasy football is for people who either lost their Dungeons and Dragons set from 1982 or no longer can tie their shoes and get out to a treadmill. In fact, you might garner more respect if you did play Dungeons and Dragons because at least with that game, one out of 10,000 former players started a software or biotech company and actually has a job.
2) Certain teams deserve a championship - I don't care whether or not you are the Cleveland Browns who have never been to a Super Bowl, or the Chicago Cubs who last played in the fall classic when the Titanic was still in the blueprinting stage. No one person or no one team "deserves" a championship more than another simply because of ineptitude, poor management, or lousy play. Teams that draft well, have continuity, and settle in for the long run will more often than not win championships. Teams that panic, draft stiffs, and run good coaches out of town after one sub-par year will always lose. Yes, big market dollars help immensely. But it is no substitute for running a class organization.
3) Slow and steady wins the race - NOT TRUE - slow and steady MIGHT win a marathon: I don't care how many times a turtle races against a hare. The rabbit will win every time. Even if Bugs Bunny stops to eat a carrot or two, take a nap, and surfs the internet for a few hours, the turtle will have crawled about 10 feet and the rabbit will be enjoying his post-race sauna and cigar. Never bet against the speedy little four legged creature. After all, if they were slow would they hire one to start every Greyhound race?
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4) People mugging for TV at a sporting event - All of you tools out there spend the entire game calling your friends and family when you find out you are in the line of site of a camera are making fools of yourselves. We have all seen these people, waving and smiling like they just got a free two-day pass to a Sports Illustrated swimsuit shoot. I have news for you. You look silly. You look stupid. And you look like a loser. Enough already. Cousin Oliver from the Brady Bunch was cooler.
5) People at the track who pick the winner after the race is done - It is true, I will occasionally frequent the thoroughbreds or dogs. It is a great way to relax for a few hours, have a beer and a burger, and perhaps NOT lose some money. In fact, the amount of money I usually lose can be calculated by a simple formula. Take the number of races on the card, multiply that by 24 and that is what I will lose. That being said, I have seen people at the track make any number of marks on their racing program. An asterisk here, star there, circle here, underline there. And it never fails, when the last dog or nag has crossed the finish line, these people will hold up their program and point to the winning horse and then claim they had that animal as the winner because of the fact there is a mark by the name. Simple rule, if you don't go bet on the horse or dog to come in the money, you don't get to gloat over a winning pick. And betting a deuce on a 1:9 chalky chalk to win doesn't count.
6) Weak bladder people in the middle of an aisle - If you cannot hold "it" until halftime, or maybe the end of the quarter you don't get to drink beer. Or sit in the middle of an aisle. Go see a urologist or buy some Depends.
7) Putt-putt players who take the game too seriously - If you bring you own putter to miniature golf, then you have a problem. Your Calloway won't help you get the ball past the windmill anyway.
8) Officials should not make a call at the end of the game that may decide the outcome - News Flash! A foul is a foul whether or not it occurs in the first minute of the game or the last second. In fact, a call that occurs in the first quarter or inning may have just as much effect on the outcome of a game than one that takes place at the buzzer. Now I am not saying that players should not decide the outcome of a contest, they should. But somehow this adage that refs should swallow their whistles is ludicrous. You don't get four strikes or 5 balls in baseball, and rules are rules regardless of the time of the game. Now all sports, and I mean ALL sports give their superstars more latitude and favorable calls. It's just the way it is. And that is going to happen all game and all season long. But if he gets fouled or travels at the end of a game, make the call.
9) Keep Politics and Religion out of Sports - I am pretty sure that whatever deity resides either above or within all of us really doesn't care who wins a game. I think he/she has more important things to worry about like world hunger, war, and disasters. There is nothing wrong with thanking whomever you want for some natural ability, but please understand that the last-second missed field goal or the gust of wind that took a long fly ball foul was unrelated to any superior being or religious entity. In addition, anyone that brings a political point of view to a sports bar and starts talking nonsense deserves to be forced to watch "American Idol" reruns.
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